Hot Mama

I think my son has some awkward days ahead of him. I wonder how old he will be when his friends start telling him that his mom is hot? Until that day, I guess he'll just have to endure years of me saying his mom is hot.

"Be Kind, Please Rewind"

Have you ever stopped to consider how much of your childhood will become historical trivia to the next generation? For example, last night Andrea and I were having a nastolgic (and sobering) moment because we realized that our son will probably never know what it is to rent a movie on video tape. It won't be many years from now before the phrase "Be Kind, Please Rewind" will be lost in the minds of us old geezers who remember the days of VCR's and cassette tapes. Sometimes I wonder if Jaden will ever know how to load film into a camera. Will he need to know how to read a map or will the computer in his car always do the navigating for him? Will he be able to comprehend just how slow dial-up internet really was? Will he believe me when I tell him of a day when Walmart sold stuff that was "Made in the U.S.A."? I'm not sure what things from my past will be foreign to my son but I'm paying attention along the way because someday, I'm going to smoke him at Trivial Pursuit...that is, if they still have boardgames in the future!

Broadway Production

Today my wife pointed out an interesting change in me since the birth of our son. It's actually a change that I observed in myself but I was a little embarrassed to learn that it has been noticed by others as well. For some reason, since Jaden has been around, I sing constantly. That may sound innocent enough but I'm not talking about singing some recent lyrics from the radio. I'd even be forgiving of myself if I was wandering through the house belting out some Celine Dion ballads. No, the singing I've been doing is far more strange than this.

Ever since my son was born three months ago, I've been singing everything. For some reason, if my son is within earshot, I feel compelled to narrate everything I'm doing or thinking...by song! Here are some lyrics you might hear around our house (as sung to the tune of "One little, two little, three little indians")

"Oh, we're walking up the stairs to change your diaper,
we're walking up the stairs to change your diaper,
we're walking up the stairs to change your diaper,
because you just had a blow out!"

I don't know where this sing-songie voice comes from but it was not there four months ago. I feel like I've been thrown into a Broadway musical where I launch into song and dance after every fifteen minutes of dialogue. It's really embarrassing and I am fearful that my new disposition is going to start showing up outside of our home. So, if you happen to see me singing to my son in public, I might feel less ridiculous if you'd please join me on the chorus!

Brainwashing

One of the many benefits of parenthood is the ability to influence the thoughts and opinions of your kids. They are little lumps of clay that can be molded into whatever your creative mind can dream up. For example, I've been longing for the day that I'd have a son who I can transform into a "Mini-Me". The best perk I've been looking forward to as a Dad is the chance to brainwash my son!

Now that Jaden has matured to a ripe age of 3 months, I have deamed him ready to begin the brainwashing campaign. Over the next 18 years of his life, I will systematically influence his environment and circumstances to make sure that he quickly becomes a life-long Michigan Wolverines fan. My first strategy is to make sure that every baby book and scrapbook is filled with photos of him wearing, holding, and displaying a wide array of Michigan memorabilia. It may be a while before I'll have him chanting "Go Blue" in the grocery store on game day but at least I can make sure his earliest possible memories build a positive association with U of M. Man I love being a dad!

Hobbyology

Hobbyology: (noun) [hob-ee-ol-uh-jee] 1. the study of hobbies. [origin: I made it up]

As I wind down my daily introspection, I have discovered another deficiency in my life. Currently, I don't have a hobby. There's nothing that I really pour myself into right now (outside of my work and my family). There is no leisure pursuit that captures my attention and my free time. By the sound of it, that may make me a pretty boring person. Other people have their fishing, photography, motorcycles, sports, collections, etc. I have nothing.

It's not because I lack interests that I am hobbyless though. I am not without plenty of passions and amusements. Quite the contrary. I am interested in so many hobbies that I can't really choose. I'm paralized by the spectrum of fads there is to pick from. I can't find my gig. (The thesaurus tells me I could have also used the words "schtick" or "bag" in the previous sentence but I felt a little funny using them here)

Those who know me best will tell you that I have a bit of an obsessive personality. My wife often laments because of my ability to focus so intently on a subject that the world (including her voice) seems to disappear. Hobbies have frequently been the object of my obsessions. When I get a new idea for a hobby I study it for hours and learn everything I possibly can. After intense scrutiny, I often determine that I have found the perfect hobby and that someday when I have time and money, I'll pursue my new passion. The problem is, someday still hasn't arrived.

And so, as I wait for someday, I continue to fill my "bag" with unused hobbies. In my generous moments, I benevolently assign a hobby or two to my wife and son and anyone else standing nearby. For example, my wife will be in charge of creating great home videos and editing them with software that I still need to purchase. My son and I will take Taekwondo lessons together so we can earn our black belts. I've volunteered my entire family to help me landscape my back yard. I figure, until someday does show up, I'll just have to live vicariously through other people. So, here's my pile of "schticks" and if you'd like to foster one of them for me, I'll be happy to consider you for the job.

• Landscaping
• Homevideo filming and editing
• Taekwondo (martial arts)
• Hapkido (martial arts)
• Falconry
• Furniture restoration and refinishing
• Painting
• Photography
• Running
• Biking
• Bird Hunting
• Field Training competitions with German Shorthaired Pointers
• Triathlons
• Investment Club
• Fishing
• Shooting
• Sailing
• Flying airplanes
• Golf

As you can see, I have quite a problem on my hands. If I don't retire soon, I'm never going to be able to adopt all of these hobbies. In the meantime, though, I'll just keep studying my hobbies and waiting for the days to get longer and the money to get easier.

10,000 Kisses

Three months ago, there was much apprehension in our home as we anticipated the pending arrival of our little miracle. The concern was completely superficial but we honestly wondered whether we were going to have a freakishly ugly child. Our thought was that if he received genes from each of us for our most prominent features, then he would be a scary blend of the two of us.

The biggest fear was that as biased parents, we would be blind to his troubled appearance. After all, what parent has ever been objective in assessing their own child's cuteness? We were resolute, however, and agreed that we would remain objective and not label our child as "cute" as so many other parents have mistakenly done.

I'm sorry to say that it is time for an online intervention! My wife has gone off the deep end. Her love and adoration for our son has gone over board. Not only has she renamed him as Cutie Pie, but she has begun pummeling him with kisses nearly every moment of every day.

Constantly, through out the day, my son is subject to her non-stop kisses. She kisses him in the morning when he wakes up. She kisses him when she changes his clothes and kisses him when she wipes his nose. She kisses him when he smiles and kisses him when he frowns. He gets kisses before meals and after snacks.

Perhaps it is jealousy that motivates my rant. The poor child has been kissed more times in the past three days than I have in the past three years! His skin can't handle it--his whole head is going to get chapped! Please help! She's lost her objectivity. Andrea has become a typical mom!

One For You and Two For Me

Have you ever waken up one day and realized that you've gotten fat? I don't mean, "Have you slipped on a couple of extra pounds over the winter?" I mean, "Have you ever fallen face down in the extra pounds and rolled around in them until you were covered from head to toe?" What a depressing realization!

Of course, the problem-solver in me wants to trace my predicament back to an identifiable root cause. After all, every effect has a cause, right? As I pondered my growing wasteline, I realized that in addition to my lack of regular excercise, I've become a pretty selfish person.

Dessert time is one of life's simple pleasures. Whether it is a chocolate chip cookie, brownie, cake, cinnamon roll, pie, strawberry shortcake, or any other temptation, my response is always the same. When dessert time rolls around, my mind starts dreaming up ways that I can get more than anyone else. If I could make the arrangements at dessert time, it would be, "One for you and two for me"!

Unfortunately, my wife has been too accomodating toward my dessert consumption-generally showing much more restraint and leaving that last morsel for me. Since I haven't been training for any long distance runs, those extra cookies and cinnamon rolls have me quite out of shape. (Although, my friend Randy often reminds me that "round is a shape").

As pathetic as this sounds, I must confess that my One For You and Two For Me Attitude has crept into other areas as well. For example, when it wasn't desserts, it could have been, "One hour of sleep for you, and two for me, honey." Or, "One movie choice for you and two for me." How about this one: "One dollar of spending money for you and two for me." Every where I look, I find more examples of how selfishness has moved right in and gotten cozy in my life.

If I'm going to fulfill my two unique roles, selfishness can't have any part in my life. My wife and my son deserve better. Hopefully, as proof of the change, you'll start seeing my wife and son getting fat and me getting skinny. If not, it's probably a sign that I've found a loop hole and decided that "One small brownie for you and one big brownie for me" is a fair system too.